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Feb 21, 2013
02/13
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until the old secretary of defense leon panetta, who i like very much, testifies about what happened in benghazi. >> jon: so close to get him confirmed foiled by senate thespian lindsey graham. reprizing his role from tennessee williams great work "a street car named desire" not to be primary idea by the local tea party. no vote for hagel until panetta answers questions about benghazi. [laughter] what happens when ten jews sit in a room and try to come up with puns really. starts that way every morning, actually. so two weeks ago lindsey rhett graham had his raisin -- whatever it's a play. >> did the president show any curiosity about how is this going? what kind of assets do you have helping these people? did he ever make that phonecall? >> look, there's no question in my mind the president of the united states was concerned about american lives. >> with all due respect i don't believe it's a credible statement. >> jon: oh, with all due respect, the president does not care for he is a cad and a scoundrel. [ laughter ] it's a plan as the alabaster tone in my creamy skin and as simple
until the old secretary of defense leon panetta, who i like very much, testifies about what happened in benghazi. >> jon: so close to get him confirmed foiled by senate thespian lindsey graham. reprizing his role from tennessee williams great work "a street car named desire" not to be primary idea by the local tea party. no vote for hagel until panetta answers questions about benghazi. [laughter] what happens when ten jews sit in a room and try to come up with puns really....
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Jul 16, 2013
07/13
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folks, yesterday the supreme court overturned the defense of marriage act. (cheers and applause) i like to cheer for pretty colors too. but they are surrendering this country to the radical gay agenda of joint tax returns. it's unnatural. but luckily one tv show is not backing down. and i hope it's this one. this is stephen colbert's big gay round up. (applause) yee what! -- i want to thank my old pal international movie star steve car rel for never asking me how i would use that footage. (laughter) >> stephen: you're a good man. now first in the gay roundup, folks, i trust the gays about as far as i could throw them. not that i would know, i don't pick up gay men to throw or any other reason. come to think of, it, they're in better shape than i am so it might be easier to let them throw me but i guess i trust the gays less far than they could throw me, are we clear? god, they have to complicate everything. and now they're complicating blood donation. >> the american medical association is pushing for a reversal of a decades-old ban on blood donations from g
folks, yesterday the supreme court overturned the defense of marriage act. (cheers and applause) i like to cheer for pretty colors too. but they are surrendering this country to the radical gay agenda of joint tax returns. it's unnatural. but luckily one tv show is not backing down. and i hope it's this one. this is stephen colbert's big gay round up. (applause) yee what! -- i want to thank my old pal international movie star steve car rel for never asking me how i would use that footage....
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Sep 10, 2013
09/13
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difficult and complicated topic and reasonable people can reach different conclusion for completely defensible reasons, or you can watch cable television where unreasonable people reach different conclusion for insane reasons. here is a terrible argument against war. >> listen this video senator mccain of a syrian, looks like a fighter jet being shot out of the sky. listen to what they say afterwards. allah akbar, allah akbar! >> i have a problem helping those people out screaming that after a hit. >> you have a robb with that? >> jon: they were just scream yippie ki yay mother [bleep] like a normal person, i would be all right. here's my favorite part of the clip though, you have to watch this my favorite part is the expression on ducey mead face when senator mccain explains what that means. >> i have a problem helping those people. >> you have a problem with this? >> screaming that after a hit. >> would you have a problem with an american christian saying thank god, thank god? that's what-- that's what they're saying. come on. (laughter) look at the expression, they look like mccain just cau
difficult and complicated topic and reasonable people can reach different conclusion for completely defensible reasons, or you can watch cable television where unreasonable people reach different conclusion for insane reasons. here is a terrible argument against war. >> listen this video senator mccain of a syrian, looks like a fighter jet being shot out of the sky. listen to what they say afterwards. allah akbar, allah akbar! >> i have a problem helping those people out screaming...
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Apr 19, 2013
04/13
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gain this sort of individualized authority that even the department of defense doesn't have? and how did we create these sort of two separate systems for this kind of overseas terror fighting? >> well, it's-- one of the things they sort of talked about in the book is how basically the c.i.a. started to look a whole lot like the military and the military is looking a lot like the c.i.a. basically after 9/11, president bush gave the c.i.a. lethal authority and wide authority to go capture and kill people all around the globe. this sets them off on the beginning of some of these secret wars, and it's-- it starts out with a lot of detentions and interrogations, and starting around 2004, 2005, there's a whole lot more drone strikes, targeted killings. >> jon: because they found out about the interrogations and said we should do that. >> well, there was a lot of internal debate inside the bush administration. there was an internal c.i.a. report that chronicled some of the abuses in the c.i.a. prisons. and, obviously, a lot of congressional scrutiny of the program. and so as that ha
gain this sort of individualized authority that even the department of defense doesn't have? and how did we create these sort of two separate systems for this kind of overseas terror fighting? >> well, it's-- one of the things they sort of talked about in the book is how basically the c.i.a. started to look a whole lot like the military and the military is looking a lot like the c.i.a. basically after 9/11, president bush gave the c.i.a. lethal authority and wide authority to go capture...
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Dec 17, 2013
12/13
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and people who saw the segment or read about it expressed an opinion that what she said was wrong and defensive and oddly definitive for a discussion of a fictional character and (bleep)ed. people thought it was like really (bleep)ed up. that was actually the economists take on it. [ laughter ] but on friday miss kelly took to the airwaves to clear things up. >> in kicking off a light hearted segment i offered a tongue and cheek message for any kids watching saying that santa, who i joked is a real person whose race is identifiable is white. an offhand jest is now a national firestorm. humor is something we try to bring to the show but sometime it's lost on the humanless and fox news and yours truly are big targets for many people. [ laughter ] >> jon: i guess we all owe you an apology. [ laughter ] what appeared to me to be another example of a fox news segment expressing anger and victimization over the loss of absolute power and reframing that as persecution of real america by noshts, free loaders and socialists -- [laughter] -- that is trademarked, by the way. what i thought was that was ac
and people who saw the segment or read about it expressed an opinion that what she said was wrong and defensive and oddly definitive for a discussion of a fictional character and (bleep)ed. people thought it was like really (bleep)ed up. that was actually the economists take on it. [ laughter ] but on friday miss kelly took to the airwaves to clear things up. >> in kicking off a light hearted segment i offered a tongue and cheek message for any kids watching saying that santa, who i joked...
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it will hit the defense department. how do you think the defense department feels about that? >> if these cuts happen there le bay disruption in defense and sharp decline in military readiness. >> jon: you can pull troops from germany and consolidate middle east forces and most armies and go all in on the australian content. this is not a game. [laughter] >> jon: no it's the game the world domination. risk. this is jon stewart comedian and drawing room emperor. you know, when i'm looking to kill eight hours, i like to play half a game of risk. [laughter] risk: because monopoly moves too fast and ends too quickly. >> this is reality. >> jon: all right. settle down. defense budget, we're not going to be ready to protect the country and defense spending cuts will have economic impacts as well. for instance, if the sequester kicks in not only will the international readiness be degraded things like the blue angels air show and fleet week will be canceled. no fleet week means no cher music videos. that means shares of mesh thong body stockings takes a big hit. that factory closes t
it will hit the defense department. how do you think the defense department feels about that? >> if these cuts happen there le bay disruption in defense and sharp decline in military readiness. >> jon: you can pull troops from germany and consolidate middle east forces and most armies and go all in on the australian content. this is not a game. [laughter] >> jon: no it's the game the world domination. risk. this is jon stewart comedian and drawing room emperor. you know, when...
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May 29, 2013
05/13
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this kind of gun is so accessible to so many people so quickly, defense distributed is even calling it a wiki-weapon because like wikipedia it will also be used to settle bar bets. well, sad to say, no surprise, uncle sam goosestepped in last week and boot stomped our online freedoms ordering defense distributed to remove the file that provide instructions for the 3d printed gun until it examines them for legality. folks, this is chilling. the fed has pulled our worldwide weapons and we all know, once something has been deleted from the internet, it is as gone as anthony weiner's crotch. ( cheers and applause ). i certainly hope that was not loaded. ( laughter ) well, nation, i'm not going to stand for this. you may not be able to print out a gun, but if you head over to colbernation.com right now, you can download instructions on how to turn your printer into a gun. it shoots 8 1/2 x 11 bullets that give intruders a nasty papercut and then you're going to want to squeeze a lemon on them. we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest is a professor and advocate of
this kind of gun is so accessible to so many people so quickly, defense distributed is even calling it a wiki-weapon because like wikipedia it will also be used to settle bar bets. well, sad to say, no surprise, uncle sam goosestepped in last week and boot stomped our online freedoms ordering defense distributed to remove the file that provide instructions for the 3d printed gun until it examines them for legality. folks, this is chilling. the fed has pulled our worldwide weapons and we all...
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Oct 23, 2013
10/13
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a sexy pirate, a sexy nurse, a sexier nurse, a sexy defense attorney or her people in miss the sexy prosecutor. you're out of order, no you are out of order. let's just makeout! yeah! [cheers and applause] you like that. >> jon: you are not upset about this in anyway. >> why? why would i be upset about progress, jon? when my mom was growing up in the oppressive olden days she only had two options, sexy secretary or sexy meter maid. but in these modern liberated times a woman can be a sexy whatever the hell she wants. >> jon: sort of like a glass ceiling that you break by putting them on the glass, putting the boobs on the glass. >> yeah, your sharp spikey boobs, john. women can be sexy and inman in mate objects. i'm not making this up. the sexy carrot, sexy guitar or this one for sexy card lovers. >> you want a piece of? he this included a pad the mini dress with detail and crust shoulder pads. >> jon: in my mind to be perfectly honest i don't know that pizza needs cleavage to make it sexy. >> you said it boss. (bleep) pizza. >> jon: what? [cheers and applause] i mean think about men's costume
a sexy pirate, a sexy nurse, a sexier nurse, a sexy defense attorney or her people in miss the sexy prosecutor. you're out of order, no you are out of order. let's just makeout! yeah! [cheers and applause] you like that. >> jon: you are not upset about this in anyway. >> why? why would i be upset about progress, jon? when my mom was growing up in the oppressive olden days she only had two options, sexy secretary or sexy meter maid. but in these modern liberated times a woman can be...
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as it turned out the defense department uses a medical tracking program called ahlta while the v.a. used a superior program called visita. those two -- vista. those two programs -- i swear it's true -- those two programs are unable to communicate with each other. [ laughter ] how insane is this complication even the analogy explaining why the two computer systems can't work together is fundamentally flawed. >> let me use this analogy, an xbox and playstation can play the same game on the same tv screen but they don't talking to the. >> jon: that makes sense but they don't talk because they are competitors. their mission is to destroy each other. [ laughter ] which is not the relationship we expect from the part of government that takes care of our disabled veterans and the part of government that creates them. so while i guess you could -- [cheers and applause] -- so i guess you could spend a billion dollars over four years trying to get one kid's xbox games to work with other kids playstation games as or as the family parent or commander in chief, you could just command we're going
as it turned out the defense department uses a medical tracking program called ahlta while the v.a. used a superior program called visita. those two -- vista. those two programs -- i swear it's true -- those two programs are unable to communicate with each other. [ laughter ] how insane is this complication even the analogy explaining why the two computer systems can't work together is fundamentally flawed. >> let me use this analogy, an xbox and playstation can play the same game on the...
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Jul 23, 2013
07/13
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stephen: is this a defense mechanism because a lot of people use anger or jokes as a defense mechanism. >> no, i use it to control others. >> stephen: which is another form. tehrans do that. tyrants are afraid of their own people. they control them because they're afraid of being overthrown. >> basically stand-up is a rally in an egyptian square for money. >> stephen: answer my question. who were the people that you liked? >> i loved alan king, richard pryor. anybody that came out and stood there and just talkd in a series of jokes, i just thought who are these people who can do this? cosby. i love cosby. >> stephen: my favorite. very funny fellow. bill cosby is a very funny fellow, right. >> cosby and carlin and robert klein. >> stephen: are you satisfied with being jerry seinfeld? >> well, if i'm not, i'm going to need some serious help because that guy... >> stephen: some of the performers, some performers aren't satisfied with being themselves. they always have some sort of need to be something else or to prove themselves as a performer. >> well, i would say, you know, that really
stephen: is this a defense mechanism because a lot of people use anger or jokes as a defense mechanism. >> no, i use it to control others. >> stephen: which is another form. tehrans do that. tyrants are afraid of their own people. they control them because they're afraid of being overthrown. >> basically stand-up is a rally in an egyptian square for money. >> stephen: answer my question. who were the people that you liked? >> i loved alan king, richard pryor....
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May 22, 2013
05/13
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last month, the house appropriations committee called secretary of defense chuck chuck hagel. 7 hagel. you know, if he married katherine heigl he'd be chuck hagel heigl. serious. they called chuck haig toll ask since we're not building a new computerized system, which will the two existing systems, alta and vista, from d.o.d. and v.a. be able to fully talk to each other. >> what the congress instructed, what the congress funded was a seamless system. we'll have it shortly. can i tell you in a week or two we will have something decided within 30 days, i'll tell that you. >> jon: 30 days! a hard number. since that interview, 30 days ago he had our chuck hagel advent calendar. i have gone through the whole thing. it is day 30. i've been opening the doors. let's see what we've got in here a little bit of nice chocolate-- i'm explaining this because we have so many rabbis in the audience tonight. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) i'm trying to explain that christians give chocolate gifts and ( bleep ) for, like, 30 days straight, even when they're dealing with, like, the crucifixion. it's real
last month, the house appropriations committee called secretary of defense chuck chuck hagel. 7 hagel. you know, if he married katherine heigl he'd be chuck hagel heigl. serious. they called chuck haig toll ask since we're not building a new computerized system, which will the two existing systems, alta and vista, from d.o.d. and v.a. be able to fully talk to each other. >> what the congress instructed, what the congress funded was a seamless system. we'll have it shortly. can i tell you...
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. >> jon: in cnn's defense -- if they watched cnn they would bet only ones. i'm going to blow your mind. you've done your work. you can sit back. you are smart and charming but i'm going to blow your mind here. are you ready? >> yes. >> jon: this is something i just found on the internet. >> oh, no. >> jon: look at that picture. that looks like you, yeah. >> okay. >> jon: no good? >> does it? >> jon: it's a young helen mirren. am i out of my gourd. >> you blew my mind from this entire situation. that was so random. his no idea what you were going to do and i couldn't have guessed that you were going to do that. >> jon: can i tell you why i did it? >> i would love for you to. >> jon: you don't prepare for this very well. >> the producers and everybody involved in the show tells everyone. he's not going to know a lot about the movie or a lot about you. you have a preinterview and good over bullet points and scenes we want to touch on. no, no, no you guys are going to talk. he probably won't ask you anything about the movism he might not ask you anything. [ laug
. >> jon: in cnn's defense -- if they watched cnn they would bet only ones. i'm going to blow your mind. you've done your work. you can sit back. you are smart and charming but i'm going to blow your mind here. are you ready? >> yes. >> jon: this is something i just found on the internet. >> oh, no. >> jon: look at that picture. that looks like you, yeah. >> okay. >> jon: no good? >> does it? >> jon: it's a young helen mirren. am i out of my...
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Mar 29, 2013
03/13
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paul clement argued that the defense of marriage act was not morality based when it was signed in 1996 but until fact merely an effort to unify federal standards to recognizing marriage licenses. just trying to avoid confusion, you know, in the same way that we don't have any way have interstate driving and hunting lie soarnses lawyers lie soarnses heterosexual marriage licenses which different states have different laws form of i'll just let justice elena kagan -- i'll let her handle it. >> do we really think that congress was doing this for uniformity reasons? or do we think that congress's judgment was infested by the fear, by animus and so forth? >> jon: fascinating. mr. clement? >> the other point i would make but i want to get around to the animus point. but the other point i would make is when you look at congress doing something that is unusual, they deviated from it in the past. >> jon: i'm going to cut you off right there my friend. beautiful since you are only going to get around to the animus point eventually -- [laughter] -- perhaps we could go back to 1996 with some kind
paul clement argued that the defense of marriage act was not morality based when it was signed in 1996 but until fact merely an effort to unify federal standards to recognizing marriage licenses. just trying to avoid confusion, you know, in the same way that we don't have any way have interstate driving and hunting lie soarnses lawyers lie soarnses heterosexual marriage licenses which different states have different laws form of i'll just let justice elena kagan -- i'll let her handle it....
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May 14, 2013
05/13
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in their defense, there is a good reason why people using the i.r.s. to crack down on political enemies would not want americans educated about the constitution. (laughter) and while the tax-exempt status that all political groups get is kind of bull (bleep), it's bull (bleep) that should at least be granted fairly and equitably, spread around evenly, if you will. so unlike much of the benghazi inquiry, this seems like a genuine scandal. so explanation, please, let's say from the individual who oversees tax-exempt organizations for the i.r.s. >> they used names like "tea party" or "patriots," and they selected cases simply because the application had those names in the title. that was wrong. the i.r.s. would like to apologize for that. >> jon: oh, okay, thank you. i appreciate -- wait a minute! (laughter) i didn't realize apologies were sufficient in i.r.s.-related issues. (laughter) hold on one minute. i -- i bet -- (cheers and applause) i bet if i'm not mistake than right now wesley snipes feels like a real as (bleep). (laughter) wait, all i had to s
in their defense, there is a good reason why people using the i.r.s. to crack down on political enemies would not want americans educated about the constitution. (laughter) and while the tax-exempt status that all political groups get is kind of bull (bleep), it's bull (bleep) that should at least be granted fairly and equitably, spread around evenly, if you will. so unlike much of the benghazi inquiry, this seems like a genuine scandal. so explanation, please, let's say from the individual who...
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coming up with messaging to convince people that you don't believe women's have beginas have built in defense systems that repel illinois-gotten sperm what could you try is not believing that women's vaginas have that capability. [ laughter ] makes me want to stroke my chin piewbs. [ laughter ] a fundamental rethinking of the more extreme and interkuwaited thinking that form the backbone of republican party platsform. all right. you could do. that anybody with a different idea? >> republican proposals in key states to change the way we elect the president are approved, this week's inaugural. >> repeat after me. >> preserve, protect and defend. >> would have looked like this: [laughter] >> jon: i understand the electric electoral math is slightly different but why does he still get michelle obama? that seems -- [laughter] -- heard of winner talk all but please s. some would call a proposal like that cheating. because that's what it is, but why not take a page from the playbook here. the language error is cheating. let's adjust that to winning to process innovation. ethics modulated democracy i
coming up with messaging to convince people that you don't believe women's have beginas have built in defense systems that repel illinois-gotten sperm what could you try is not believing that women's vaginas have that capability. [ laughter ] makes me want to stroke my chin piewbs. [ laughter ] a fundamental rethinking of the more extreme and interkuwaited thinking that form the backbone of republican party platsform. all right. you could do. that anybody with a different idea? >>...
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Nov 20, 2013
11/13
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[laughter] i imagine he must have given an empassioned defense. >> his answer? >> this, folks, reminds me of when -- and i was watching with my brother-- when saddam attacked kuwait, you guys have just attacked kuwait and you will never -- [laughter] >> jon: threference may be dated but in rob ford's defense it may be one of last things he remembers. [laughter] let me tell you something. there was an invasion of kuwait and the next thing i know and i woke up i was the mayor. i don't know how. [ laughter ] well the vote yesterday capped off a hell of a couple of days for rob ford including an interview with cnn where he surrounded himself with school children and said this. >> i've had enough. i'm sick and tired of all these (bleep) excuse my words. sorry, i shouldn't have sworn in front of the kids. >> jon: i shouldn't have done that i feel like (bleep) for do that. jeezous another (bleep) right there. that's bad. (bleep) shouldn't have said that. i'm such a (bleep). what am i doing in front of kids? [laughter] rob ford is not in denial, says rob ford. he knows
[laughter] i imagine he must have given an empassioned defense. >> his answer? >> this, folks, reminds me of when -- and i was watching with my brother-- when saddam attacked kuwait, you guys have just attacked kuwait and you will never -- [laughter] >> jon: threference may be dated but in rob ford's defense it may be one of last things he remembers. [laughter] let me tell you something. there was an invasion of kuwait and the next thing i know and i woke up i was the mayor. i...
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Jun 12, 2013
06/13
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one on defense of marriage act. the other one on prop 8 saying no gay marriage in california. >> right. so the defense of marriage act was passed in the '90s. bill clinton signed it. the federal government will not recognize same-sex marriages performed in states where it might be legal. this is the first time ever that the federal government has really usurped this power from the states and said we will pick and choose between marriages. first cousins can marry in some states not in others. >> stephen: south carolina. people are legally married in the state where i live, washington state. terry and i are legally married in washington straight. their marriages are recognized by the federal government. ours is not. that has real-world imliks around inheritance, taxes and social security. certainly around taxes. we have a huge tax bill because we cannot file jointly because we are not married. >> stephen: yeah, you're not. you're not. >> we are. we're just as married as our neighbors but the federal government wouldn'
one on defense of marriage act. the other one on prop 8 saying no gay marriage in california. >> right. so the defense of marriage act was passed in the '90s. bill clinton signed it. the federal government will not recognize same-sex marriages performed in states where it might be legal. this is the first time ever that the federal government has really usurped this power from the states and said we will pick and choose between marriages. first cousins can marry in some states not in...
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court-martialed, fired and dishonorably discharged and there have been a number of cases where military defense lawyers have cited that as command influence. >> what? look, look, i'm no big city lawyer. i'm not even a small town lawyer or indeed, a lawyer. but how is the president's unlawfully influencing a case by saying that people guilty of sexual assault should be found guilty. how is he supposed to be more neutral than that, just, oh, maybe guilty people should be punished or maybe rewarded. i don't know, i don't know. it's not really my place to comments on the military as commander in chief. but its president isn't the only one speaking on this. the situation has become so bad that congress is actually attempting to do something about it. >> america's most powerful military leaders were ordered to capitol hill today to answer for the epidemic of sexual assaults in the ranks. >> this unprecedent shows leadership at a capitol hill hearing today, a dozen top commanders from all four branches of the armed forces were there. >> with one exception, the senior officers who marched into the comm
court-martialed, fired and dishonorably discharged and there have been a number of cases where military defense lawyers have cited that as command influence. >> what? look, look, i'm no big city lawyer. i'm not even a small town lawyer or indeed, a lawyer. but how is the president's unlawfully influencing a case by saying that people guilty of sexual assault should be found guilty. how is he supposed to be more neutral than that, just, oh, maybe guilty people should be punished or maybe...
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>> so if senator paul wants to start looking at where he's going to cut spending to afford defense, maybe he should start looking at cutting the pork barrel spending that he brings home to kentucky but i doubt he would because most washington politicians only care about bringing home the bacon so that they can get re-elected. >> stephen: g.o.p.-eoww! well, any response to that, randy paul, paul? >> this is the king of bacon talking about bacon. (crowd oohing). >> stephen: scorcher. rand paul, you really hit below the belt. which on chris christie is anywhere south of the nipples. so, folks, we want to hear from you. what's your take-away. tweet us with the hash-tag, g.o.p., l.o.l., yolo. and keep an umbrella handy because with any luck this g.o.-byesing contest will xi @ bf7É')ia3;b!,x8=px [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thanks so much. folks, i don't know about you but as a little boy in south carolina, growing up, there's nothing i loved more on a rainy afternoon than playing board games with my family. the hot chocolate, the unexpected laughs, the emotional blackmail when a grown
>> so if senator paul wants to start looking at where he's going to cut spending to afford defense, maybe he should start looking at cutting the pork barrel spending that he brings home to kentucky but i doubt he would because most washington politicians only care about bringing home the bacon so that they can get re-elected. >> stephen: g.o.p.-eoww! well, any response to that, randy paul, paul? >> this is the king of bacon talking about bacon. (crowd oohing). >>...